


PROGRESS (ON BEING FINE)

by DanishPastriesandmore



Series: FINE [2]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Depression, Discussions of Suicide, F/M, German bros, Germany centric, Homophobia, M/M, Mental Illness, Original Characters - Freeform, PruHun, Sequel, Swearing, family dinner from hell, fine, gerita - Freeform, platonic, shitty parents, tw depression, tw homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 02:01:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7488990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanishPastriesandmore/pseuds/DanishPastriesandmore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Over one year after his second suicide attempt, Ludwig is being told he is making great progress. And he believes he is, and he now has a boyfriend, a job he likes, a great networking group, and he can finally envision a future. Can't he? And that certainly wouldn't be put into jeopardy by the potential for a family reuinion, would it?</p>
<p>Sequel to FINE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The sequel to FINE! Probably would be easier if you read that first.

Ludwig groaned as he saw the spill of tomato juice left on the kitchen counter.

“Feli- can you please-”

“Hm Ludwig?”

“There's still tomato stains on the counter.”

Feliciano sighed and moved to clear it up. “Luddy, I'd clean it at some point.”

“Well, I like it cleaned straight away.”

Feliciano rolled his eyes and Ludwig noticed.

Maybe Ludwig did seem overly strict, but he couldn't help that. Cleanliness was always a favourite quality of his, and Feliciano was more… Lax.

“Look lud, at the restaurant I have to clear up after myself very quickly whilst making orders. I can't help just wanting to relax at home.”

Ludwig grunted.

He and Feliciano moved in together. They'd only been ‘officially’ dating for three months, but they'd known each other for so much longer, and were ‘friendship dating’ for so long before so the relationship upgrade felt entirely natural, and not wholly different to how they were with friends, but with more romance in public and certain… sexual benefits. The move to rent an apartment together was admittedly less natural, and more spurned on by Feliciano being kicked out of his apartment due to the landlord wanting to sell it. When Feliciano proposed the idea, he’d been keen to stress he didn’t mind finding some housemates to board with and that it was just a suggestion, but Ludwig had agreed.

Gilbert had been apprehensive.

“Lud, the room is not going anywhere. You don't have to move out.” Gilbert had said to him the night before he moved into his new apartment. “Me and Liz are happy to have you, and don't you think otherwise.”

Ludwig had smiled. He’d heard Gilbert repeat this statement to him many times before. “I think I need to move on.”

Admittedly, Ludwig wasn't sure when he tried to reassure Gilbert. He had a nice steady rhythm at their home; and wasn't sure if he wanted to mess it up. However, he knew it was best to embrace change when he felt stable; and he didn’t want to get too settled, too reliant on the rhythm.

And he, well, loved Feliciano.

He had to take a leap at some point.

* * *

 

Ludwig’s official paid position at the dog shelter meant that he didn’t spend as much time with the dogs as before.

He didn’t mind, but it did mean that as an assistant-manager type thing he had to make an effort to keep up with all the volunteers.

Which was fine, but a new volunteer was especially… difficult for Ludwig to get along with.

His name was Daniel, he was 17 and only there as part of a community scheme set up by the local government because he'd stolen someone's bike and had to put ‘back on the right path.’

Ludwig thought he was incredibly annoying.

He mainly stood around at work and would pet the dogs instead of cleaning, walking and feeding them and helping with keeping the cleanliness and that. Ludwig would've loved to do the same but they had work to do.

“Clean the back cages.” He'd tell Daniel, and he’d do the job lazily, and Ludwig would go round the cages with a more thorough mop the next day, as if he didn’t have enough to do already.

Infuriating.

* * *

 

His therapist said he was making great progress. His therapist encouraged him to set goals for himself during their sessions; so he’d try to say one positive thing about himself everyday, and he’d try and tell Felciaino if he had a bad day and more importantly why it was a bad day and he’d make sure to always to call Gilbert.

Progress was such a strange word. All he had wanted previously was to progress, and now he was and it wasn't noticeable day-by-day, but looking back he supposed it was obvious that he was better than he was when he first got out of the hospital, and was far better than when he went into the hospital.

He still had clouds of doubt and sadness, ever present, but he tried, and succeeded more, to not let them consume his days.

Ludwig was having a good day at first.

He's managed to pair three dogs today with new owners. This _always_ left him in a good mood.

Before he left work though, Daniel massively soured his day.

He'd been mouthing off to all the other coworkers when they were leaving, who were not paying him attention in return. Ludwig wasn't sure why he was. “Man, never seen actual lesbians before, can't believe they actually cut their hair that short. The poor dog, it's probably a replacement for the baby they can't have.”

“Don't be so rude.” He snapped at Daniel, at his wits end.

“Didn't say anything. Why do you care anyway?”

Ludwig glared at him. “Maybe I like to treat people with respect.”

Daniel snorted. “Yeah right, maybe you're a homo as well.”

Ludwig didn't know how to react, but felt his frayed nerves rise. “And so what if I am?”

Daniel widened his eyes, as if hadn't really been expecting him to answer back, but he eventually left after not responding.

Infuriating little shit.

So he went home in a much more sour mood, and pulled into the driveway of his flat. He wondered if he should leave. Ludwig’s anger was giving way to a feeling of sadness, and he wasn't sure if he should put Feliciano through it. Leave for a few hours, come back when he didn't feel so miserable...

However, as he was unsure where to go, he went inside anyway. His therapist said he should always let people in even if it was difficult. So he supposed he should make an effort.

He saw Feliciano smoking on the balcony outside their door, who smiled as Ludwig approached.

“Hey” he said, and he kissed Ludwig on the lips. He moved to go in for a deeper kiss, but Ludwig pulled back, blushing slightly.

“Sorry- the cigarette doesn't leave a great taste.”

Feliciano waved his hands in apology. “Sorry! Cutting down, I swear.”

Feliciano had been saying that since they started ‘friendship dating’. And Ludwig guessed that he’d also said that before they met as well.

Feliciano stubbed out the cigarette. “You seem… Low. Bad day?”

Ludwig smiled slightly. “Yeah. I guess.” 

They moved into the house. Immediately Ludwig went to the kitchen, and saw the state of the kitchen.

“FELI!” He shouted, his nerves on ends.

“I'll clear it up later!” He called as he strode into the kitchen. “I've made you your favourite though, sausages and that…”

Ludwig was surprised. “You made my favourite? Why…?”

Feliciano cocked his head to the side, like a puppy, confused. “Do I need a reason?”

Ludwig just smiled. Maybe some people were arseholes, but a little bit of love went a long way.

* * *

 

Another day, another shift; and Daniel, who was currently Ludwig’s number one enemy in his eyes, had made a snide comment when Ludwig was alone with him cleaning the cages.

“Not sure if I want to be locked in here with you. You'd probably like being locked in a cage though; you probably enjoy the dogs as well in that matter.”

That didn't make any sense, and beyond disgusting. He could tell Daniel was just pressing buttons for a reaction. Ludwig just felt like ringing up Daniels supervisor to get him kicked off the rehabilitation course, but he knew that they would get good publicity if they completed these reformation courses so he held his tongue to avoid no confrontation. Also, he could just write the most negative feedback on Daniels report at the end of the month.

But the words stung, and they reminded him of what his parents said, comparing homosexuality to bestiality. Ludwig tried to remain stone-faced; remind himself that they were just words from a random teenager who didn’t mean anything to him, but it was brazen cruelty that Ludwig hadn’t been subject to in a long while..

When he got home, he put his coat on the rack and contemplated just going to bed, and ditching food. Feli would probably fret, but he just wanted to go to bed and forget about the day. However, Gilbert stepped into the doorway, wordlessly announcing his presence. If Gilbert was there, unannounced, it meant there was a _reason_ he was there. And it probably wasn’t good.

“Oh, hey Lud!” Gilbert stated, but his smile was forced.

“Hey, what's wrong?”

Gilbert grimaced. “Straight to the point, as always. You won't let me lead into it. Well, Mum and Dad rang. They want to meet up for dinner at my house or something.”

Ludwig felt sick. “Ok…” he knew that Gilbert kept in contact with their parents just in case anything happened, like they knew Gilbert had a child and Gilbert had rang telling them he was in the hospital. Ludwig didn’t mind, it was common courtesy. But he never expected them to actually reach out to Gilbert again after he made it explicit it was either Gilbert and Ludwig or neither.

Gilbert huffed. “I wasn't having any of it at first, but they said they want you there. Both of us, and Liz and the baby.”

Ludwig sickness raised to a lump in his throat. “They want _me_ there?”

“Yeah. So I said I'd think about it.” Gilbert sighed. “I've no idea what to think about it. I've no idea why they want to meet up, they just said they wanted to see us. What do you think?” Gilbert asked. It was strange to see Gilbert so unsure of himself.

Ludwig's felt queasy. He honestly hadn’t expected this. His parents were wanting contact…? They had refused to see him in the hospital, he could think of no reason for them to want to see him now. Maybe they did want to talk and smooth things over. Or maybe they hadn’t changed but wanted to try and make Ludwig straight again or similar. Ludwig knew he was too curious to dissuade himself from saying no. “I think we should agree to see them.”

Gilbert didn't reply for a while, and Ludwig could tell that he wanted to protest. “You sure? We don't have to-”

“Don't baby me, Gilbert, I am capable of making my own decisions.”

“Sorry. Yeah. Well, it'd be good to see them I guess. Clear the air and shit.”

“Mm hmmm.”

So, it begun.

* * *

His religious friends tried to give advice.

“Well, I suppose it is the Christian thing to do, to allow for the other side a chance for forgiveness. And this is the gay _christian_ network, we kinda have to live by that a bit.” Nicole said, laughing and patting his thigh in comfort.

Ludwig nodded. “But that's the thing. I don’t know what they want to meet for, do they even want forgiveness?”

Nicole shrugged. “You won’t know unless you take the leap.”

“Yes.” said Max, who leant across and smiled. “And you know, it's not your fault for anything. If they reject you, that’s not the christian thing to do.”

Ludwig agreed, and they moved onto other people's questions and problems, but it was difficult to focus, when his worry over the situation was growing.

* * *

A week was not long enough to mentally prepare himself for this. Curiosity had given way to incredible anxiety. He didn't know what to expect, and that was getting to him.

Feliciano had smiled and patted his shirt awkwardly.

“Do I look overdressed?” he asked. He was dressed in slacks and a shirt, and wondered if he was too smart looking, it was only dinner with the family…

The family he hadn’t seen in 8 years.

“No, you look nice and smart, effort but not over-thinking.” Feliciano smiled. “Text me for anything, and I mean anything. I’ll come over and show some Italian rage if you need.”

“I know you will.” He did want Feliciano there, if he was honest, and bringing in his boyfriend would stick it to his parents. But, he also didn’t want to add fuel to the flames; and he didn’t want to to cause a scene, and he did want to listen to his parents with provoking them first…

Overall, better for Feliciano to wait at their flat.

He was going to go round Gilbert’s house, and wait for his parents to eat with them. He hated the waiting, it drove his anxiety further.

“The fuck are we doing.” Gilbert murmured. Ludwig didn’t reply, as he liked to _think_ he knew what this whole dinner was about, but if Gilbert didn’t know then how on earth did he know, and _oh god Gilbert you’re meant to be the emotionally sure one…_

A doorbell rang, and Elizabeta answered it. “Mr and Mrs Beilschmidt, hello.”

“Hello Elizabeta, you look lovely.” a male voice replied. His father’s voice.

They stepped into the living room. And there were his parents, standing there, conservatively dressed, and stern faced.

“Hello, Gilbert.” His mother said, and smiled at the eldest son, before turning to him. “Hello Ludwig.” Her voice wasn't quite as warm. “You look well.”

“Yes, I feel well.” He replied stiffly.

His mother nodded. Her eyes didn't betray much emotion. "I’m glad.”

His father greeted them both, and they positioned themselves around the dinner table. His father smiled at Gilbert.

“Your house is lovely, Gilbert.”

“Thanks, we’re thinking of painting all the walls a light shade of blue really.” Gilbert said, and Ludwig watched as his brother and his parents made awkwardly polite conversation about the purchase of the house. Ludwig felt more and more squeezed out of the conversation.

Elizabeta came and set up Louise’s high chair, and put the baby inside it. Immediately his parents started cooing, and seemed enamoured with the baby.

“She has Elizabetas hair definitely, but Gilbert’s face.” His father said, proud of such a daughter

“I suppose it's lucky that she didn't inherit Gilbert’s ‘looks’, though.” His mother said, and Ludwig could easily see Gilbert’s pained look cross as his forced smile fell.

“Excuse me?” Elizabeta said coldly.

“I mean nothing of it, this is the way God intended him of course, but it makes it easier, doesn't it?”

Gilbert signaled at Elizabeta to drop it, but Ludwig was inwardly fuming. After his brother pointed out to him their parents snide comments at Gilbert’s albinism, he felt even more foolish for not noticing sooner.

As the two elders cooed over Louise; Ludwig felt the suspicion that his parents only wanted to meet their granddaughter, and set up this dinner to meet her. Little attempt had been made at conversation with him. He was invited because Gilbert had previously always made it clear that it was him _and_ Ludwig, or neither.

The conversation did move on after their main course was finished.

His father had started commenting on how he switched banks, and then turned to Ludwig. “You work in a bank, don't you Ludwig?”

Ludwig lifted his head up; surprised at finally being addressed. They didn’t sound sure if he even worked in a bank. _Do these people even know anything about him?_ “Uh, not anymore, I work with dogs. In a shelter.”

“Dogs?” His mother said, putting down her glass. She rolled her eyes. “You gave up working in a bank to work with dogs?”

“Yes.” He said, holding her gaze. “I enjoy it more.”

His mother nodded. “Well, it's not like you’ll have a wife or children to support.”

Ludwig just glared at her. “Yes, I suppose. Though I do have a boyfriend now.”

His mother glared at him back, and his father cleared his throat. “So you're still living that lifestyle?” He asked.

“Yes, and it's not a ‘lifestyle’.” He snapped back. He was losing his patience with this whole thing.

“It was only a question Ludwig.” His father retorted.

Ludwig held his tongue, as if not wanting to drag the conversation down any further. A quick glance to Gilbert confirmed to Ludwig that Gilbert was uncomfortable too.

Dessert continued on the slog, and not much conversation was made.

“She is a beautiful baby, though, Gilbert, you should be very proud.”

“Well, I’m happy to have her.” Gilbert replied. “We’ll set her to bed soon.”

Elizabeta took Louise and did so. The adults sat in the living room awkwardly but made polite chat, even if Gilbert did most of the talking. Suppose they had a lot to talk about after eight years of no face to face contact, even though Gilbert's discussions seemed far too formal to be loving or anything

Louise started crying over the baby monitor, so Elizabeta stood up to take care of her, but Ludwig stood up and went to take care of her instead. It was nice to get a break from the oppressive atmosphere. He picked up the baby, and softened her cries. However, whilst genty rocking the baby, he heard raised voices downstairs. Noticing Louise was asleep, he laid her down, and crept down the stairs, to see Gilbert standing tall, and his father trying to diffuse the situation.

“You’re messed up, you know that.”

“What’s going on?” he asked, announcing his presence.

Gilbert just glared at his parents. “They're being dicks again.”

“Language, Gilbert.” His father said.

“I'm nearly 30, fuck you.”

“What did I miss?” He asked, and Elizabeta just grimaced.

“I expressed my opinion of you taking care of Louise.”

_Well_. “Oh really.”

His mother raised her head, trying to make herself look taller. “Look, I'm only concerned for the welfare of the child.” He should’ve known. Whatever pleasantries they had previously was all an act.

“Stop trying to claim the moral high ground!”

“There is no moral high ground, stop trying to silence me. I'm merely trying to express my concerns that Louise could grow up thinking some thing are more... normal than they should be.” She said, and a quick glance over to Ludwig himself confirmed that.

“Can you even hear yourselves breath over the amount of bullshit you speak?” Gilbert retorted.

He appreciated Gilbert's defence of him, he really did, but he hadn't had much of a chance to speak.

His mother looked at Gilbert, and gestured to Ludwig. “Ludwig ignored our help with him when he was young, and he's an adult now, so he can make his own decisions in how he lives his life. He shouldn't corrupt the youth, though.”

“Corrupt the _youth_!?” Gilbert shouted.

“Gilbert please.” Ludwig said, and Gilbert stopped his continued proclamations. He looked at his parents. “And so, what should I do?”

“Turn back to God.” his mother said, and her voice softened again.”And then, we can be a family again. Wouldn’t you want that?”

Ludwig sighed. “I believe in God, I go to church.”

His father rolled his eyes. “Not some airy-fairy church which condones sin without consequence, think about what God would really want. And there are consequences.”

He stopped and paused, and contemplated their words. After seeing such dedicated Christians at his networking group, he had no reason to even begin to contemplate their stringent ideology anymore. “In the end, it doesn't matter what you think God wants. It matters what you think.”

His mother stared at him. “What I think is that you've brought a lot of your problems on yourself. You just need to change your life, and then you can be happy and normal again. Wouldn't you want that?.”

“I have depression. It's probably never going to go away, not completely. It's a part of me!” Ludwig surprised himself that he was remaining calm. “And I don't consider homosexuality to be the root of my problems.” He said, and just glanced at his parents. The accusation, bough wordless, was clearly picked up by his parents.

His mother just held her tongue for a moment, and glanced at his father. Ludwig took a moment to look at his parents; really study the two people who used to rule his world. They were older and greyer, and his mother had put on weight whilst his father seemed to have lost some. But most noticeable, was the fact they were smaller than he remembered. They weren't as imposing.

Here, in Gilbert's living room, during the summer air, he realised that in the end, they were just two people that were once a part of his life. Who were once so important, so life-encompassing that he’d been so scared of them when he was 16, people who ruined his conceptions of God, who’d made him feel ill just thinking about them.

And now he realised they weren't anything.

“I don't need your approval.” He added after an awkward pause.

His father snorted. “We’re not trying to ‘approve’ you Ludwig. In the end, we have a right to see our grand-daughter.”

Gilbert butted in after being silent for Ludwig’s statements. “You have no right. You lost the right to see Louise when you were shitty parents.” Gilbert exclaimed, but softened, and looked like if he was barely containing his rage within himself. “You didn't come to the hospital either times you own son was in there, who fucking does that.” Ludwig’s heart clenched at that. Gilbert could express anger at his parents for a multitude of things but it was Ludwig that he expressed anger at. It was always Ludwig.

“You’re emotionally abusive people.” Elizabeta spoke up, and his parents glared at her. “I’ve let Gilbert and Ludwig have their rant now let me. You never gave Gilbert any support growing up, always putting him down due to his albinism, and as soon as you find out Ludwig isn’t your perfect ideal son you flip shit. Fuck you, and as Gilbert and Ludwig said, get out of our house.”

His parents said nothing at first, as if they had no response. Or, they had a response, but realised it was futile to argue. “They didn’t ask us to leave.” His father eventually interjected.

“Well, we’re so close we have telepathic. Either that or I just inferred it. Get out.”

Ludwig watched as his parents eventually left the house wordlessly, though trying to carry themselves tall, as if they were above all this arguing.

As they heard the couple’s car leave the driveway, Gilbert spoke up. “I think I realised I don’t want to see them again. Fucking assholes.” Gilbert plonked himself down on the sofa. “Shall we drink?”

Elizabeta glared at them. “Maybe we should talk about what happened, without drink. Getting drunk isn’t the answer…” she trailed off as she saw Ludwig collect a beer for himself and. Ludwig couldn’t help it, he wanted a fucking drink. It wasn’t advised by his therapist as drinking too much could lead to him thinking ‘irrationally’ but he felt like living a little dangerously tonight. He offered Elizabeta one, but she refused, irritated, but appearing to resign herself to the fact her husband was going to get drunk. “Unlike you two, I have work tomorrow, and a baby to look after, which Gilbert shares.”

He texted Feliciano to say he’d probably stay the night, and the drinking started.

As they drank Their beers, Gilbert looked at his bottle and then to Ludwig. “What was the point of tonight? They haven't changed.”

Ludwig shrugged. “I don't know. But at least we won't always wonder ‘what if’.”

“I suppose. And it was good to clear the air and stuff.

Ludwig took a swig of his beer. “It'll probably benefit us in the future to allow us to have our say.” He said. That was a rational side to him speaking then. But there was another side in the back of his mind, niggling at the back of his mind that he’d wrecked his only chance with his parents, and that they did speak some sense, and he’d ruined Gilbert's chance with his parents as well, and this was all his fault.

Irrational, and he shouldn't listen to these thoughts, his therapist said. At least he could recognise which thoughts were overtly negative. But it didn't make it any easier to ignore them.

Too many beers later, he and Gilbert were laying on the floor drunk. He felt happy, relieved, sad and angry all at the same time. He looked to his brother, who seemed to be in a similar position to him and smiled. It was probably the alcohol, but he wanted to unload his emotions. “I don’t say it enough but I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me. It’s a lot to deal with, taking me in so young, and I’ve been such a burden-”

Gilbert shushed him immediately. “ _Don’t_ say that. And I _know_ you appreciate me. I’m your brother, and an awesome one at that. And, I wouldn’t change you-” Gilbert said, and gave him a drunken overly-dramatic poke- “for the world.”

Ludwig stopped and smiled. “Thanks.” He said, and drew his brother into a hug

“Don’t mention it.” His brother replied, hugging back. Ludwig leant his head into his shoulder and let out a few choked sobs, suddenly overcome with emotion with everything. Gilbert soothed him a bit. “Hey, it's okay, baby brother.” He said, but Ludwig could feel tears dampen his shirt as well. What exactly they were crying for was not known.

* * *

In hindsight, Elizabeta was right. This was a bad idea. He hadn’t had a hangover in a while and he forgot how awful they were. He felt dehydrated, but also too sick to drink much water, and he just wanted to sleep the day away, but he knew he should return to Feliciano.

Gilbert seemed to be faring better than him, maybe because unlike Ludwig he drank more regularly.

Though he was happy he wasn't in his brother's position. “Come on Louise; Daddy has a headache.” He complained, but it didn't stop the baby crying.

He motioned towards the door. “I best go see Feliciano. He's probably wondering what happened.”

Gilbert nodded and patted him awkwardly on the back whilst balancing Louise . “Lud, come back if you need to discuss Mum and Dad again. I'm all ears.”

He smiled, grateful. “And the same for you Gilbert.”

Gilbert smiled, and Ludwig eventually left the house.

Ludwig may have thrown up in a rubbish bin on the way home; but apart from that, he made it home not dead so it was technically a success. But as he wandered he began to think. Was having an argument with his parents the best thing? It felt cathartic at the time, but now he was having doubts. It was going well until himself was brought up as a topic of interest. No, wait, _no it_ wasn't, he told himself _._ But, maybe his parents did have a point...

Feliciano was waiting for him as he walked through the door, and drew him into a hug. “I’m assuming it didn't go well.” He said after a few moments of hugging.

“No, not really.” He replied. He felt ill, and went over to drink a glass of water. He groaned.

“Hungover?” Feliciano asked, and he nodded. Feliciano lead him to bed, and he was laid down. "I should really do something productive.” He protested, but admittedly didn't mind at the action.

“You're kinda dead right now. Relax, Ludwig. Now do you want to talk about the dinner?”

He looked over at Feliciano, who was perched on the side of the bed, awaiting a reply. Admittedly, he didn't want to relive all those emotions, but felt like Feliciano deserved to hear the story. So he began recounting the dinner party from hell, the boiling tensions, the words not said, and the eventual show-down. When all was said and done, he noticed a few tears leak out of him. Far less dramatic than the drunken tears of last night, but he still surprised himself. “Oh-” he said, and noticed Feliciano shift away from the bed to come round and hug him from behind and spoon him, and started threading his fingers through his hair.

It was comforting and soothing, and Ludwig noticed that the tears didn't really stop. He felt a bit ridiculous crying; but he also felt a catharsis or something similar. The motions did not stop the turmoil of thoughts in his head. “I just keep wondering if I caused this whole mess to begin with.” He admitted, after a few minutes of the motions.

“How?” Feliciano asked.

“By being the way I am.” He admitted.

Feliciano stopped threading his fingers, and lent his head into his shoulder, and Ludwig heard shuddering sobs.

“Feliciano, please don't-”

“I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous. But I can't bear the thought of you continuing to blame yourself.”

Ludwig sighed. “I'm sorry. I think I over think things too much, especially after it's happened.” He said pathetically. He really didn't know how to comfort Feliciano in this situation. He felt a bit guilty, he tried to honestly explain his feelings to Feliciano and Feliciano got upset. He actually wondered if maybe Feliciano was going to be okay in this relationship. It wasn't as if the thought had crossed his mind before; but he’d probably drag Feliciano down.

Feliciano sniffed. “It's just me, don't worry. I'm being silly. But,-” he said, and grasped Ludwig closer into a hug- “you being the way you are is not the cause of anything.”

Feliciano and Ludwig left it at that, but Ludwig went to bed uneasy.


	2. Chapter 2

It was a week after the dinner from hell with his parents. He’d been working, and it was tiring because he felt so emotionally drained anyway, even if he kept telling himself that this job was better than his previous job, so what the hell did he have reason to feel depressed for? During the week Daniel had been there, not doing much work. Ludwig was preparing the write-up of his performance. It wasn’t going to be pretty. But today at least he hadn’t mouthed off, and seemed pretty quiet overall.

However, he hadn’t been able to sleep that night. Admittedly, he hadn’t been sleeping well for the past week. Too many thoughts were floating in his head. Doubt, regret, sadness, and worry. He didn’t know what to do. This night, Feliciano had stumbled in after doing an evening shift, and had gone to bed pretty quickly. He did stir when Ludwig moved out of their bed.

“Sorry Feliciano, I need a walk. I can’t sleep.”

Feliciano just dozed off again, and Ludwig took Aster and went for a walk to the park.

He let the chilly breeze helped clear his thoughts in the Autumn air. A lot had happened in the past week. He’d met his parents again after 8 years, and he was both vindicated in his abandonment of them, but it also stirred up feelings of guilt and shame that he’d been working to think less of. And now he was doubting his relationship with Feliciano.

He groaned, and sat down on the bench, and whined when she saw that Ludwig looked distressed. He patted the dog’s head, and tried to think about Feliciano. He loved him. He really did. He’d never felt this way inclined about another person before; his previous flings at university and after had been short and inconsequential, and then he started to recede from society and keep himself to himself, especially after he entered work and _hated it_. But Feliciano had came, and offered so much love, but he also wondered if it was too much, and came at too much of a cost to Feliciano. He wondered if Feliciano could ever understand him, when they were clearly very different people with different life experiences and different ways of thinking.

Just leave Feliciano, it’d be for the best. You could also just jump in front of those cars, make your parents happy for a change.

He didn’t think too much, as he recognised a figure walking past in the dim lights of the park. “Daniel?” he asked, and the figure turned to him.

The teenager looked surprised. “Oh, hi.” he said. He looked awkward at being addressed.

“Why are you out so late?”

“None of your buisness” Daniel snapped. “Why’re you?”

“Couldn’t sleep.” Ludwig said. He wondered why he even bothered.

“Same.”

An awkward pause hung in the air, but Ludwig started to get the feeling that something was... off about this situation. He noticed that Daniel was carrying a large backpack. Was he running away? Daniel looked like he was going to move on, so Ludwig stood up. “I’m going to the McDonalds to get a coffee if you want to come.”

Daniel paused. “Would you buy me one?” he asked. Ludwig must’ve looked a little bit peeved by that suggestion, for Daniel did correct himself. “I’m a little short on money at the moment.”

Ludwig nodded, and eventually they found themselves at the 24 hour McDonalds, drinking coffee that wasn’t good but filled the void.

“Where you off to then?” he asked.

Daniel shrugged. “No-where in particular.”

“I’m not stupid. I can see you’re running away.”

Daniel harrumphed. “Gonna tell my caseworker?”

“Legally I have to.”

Daniel just turned his head to glared at the wall. As he turned, Ludwig spotted some bruises on his neck, like a hand had gripped his throat. “Those bruises on your neck… are they the reason you’re leaving?”

 Daniel snapped his neck back. “Maybe.” he snapped, and covered his neck with his hand.

“No need to be so defensive.” he said. “You know, if you leave now, you’ll get into legal trouble as you are serving a community sentence.”

“I don’t care. I have to get away. My uncle said he’d have me, so I’m moving in with him.”

“Does he understand the situation you’re in with the police, or at home?” he asked. Daniel looked away, confirming his suspicions. “I think you’re going to get into more trouble if you leave now. And you must know that, if you’ve accepted a drink from a near stranger and not avoiding everyone who might report you.”

Daniel’s hard gaze softened slightly, and Ludwig saw a glimpse of the unsure teenager he probably was. “I just want to leave.” he admitted.

“Bad homelife?”

“I guess. Mum used to fine even with her drinking problem, used to just leave me alone, but she got a new boyfriend recently and I think they both push each-other to further depths.” Daniel paused. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”

Ludwig nodded. “My parents weren’t great either. I left to live with my brother when I was your age”

Daniel seemed intrigued and surprised, as it he didn’t ever consider that someone could relate to him. “Really? Why?”

“Homophobia.”

“Oh.” Daniel paused. “Sorry.”

Ludwig decided to take the sorry as a direct apology to him, if for his own sake.

“Let’s go see an officer about your case.”

Daniel groaned. “Been trying to avoid that. Kinda why I left without telling anyone.”

 “You know its for the best.” Ludwig said, and stood up. “Let’s go.”

Daniel eventually followed and they left the restaurant. Ludwig took Aster from the pole and walked down the road. A silence followed.

“Ludwig, you don’t have to come with me. You’ve already done enough.”

“I’ll see that you’re safe.” he said. Really, he hadn’t done much apart from buy him a coffee and talk to him for a bit. Which maybe was more than some people did, he supposed. Perhaps he felt isolated.

“You don’t even like me though.”

 “You don’t seem too bad. Even if you didn’t give me much to work with at the shelter.”

“Ugh, the shelter. Sorry, I hate it. I go to those shifts from school tired, and then go home to my mother after, so in between I guess I just don’t give a shit.”

Ludwig could start to at least understand Daniel. “You should always try to make the best of the situation you’re in though.”

Daniel looked thoughtful, and didn’t reply immediately. “Sometimes that's hard though.”

Ludwig sighed. “Don’t I know it.” he stated. “Doesn’t excuse your homophobia though.” he added.

Daniel grimaced. “Sorry, I don’t know why I said those things. Made sense at the time. Doesn’t make much sense now; you seem pretty cool.”

Ludwig let the subject drop, feeling that enough things were going on to have a debate about Daniel’s homophobia. But, sitting in a psychiatrist's chair often enough allowed him to theorise. He suspected that Daniel probably wanted some power subconsciously as he had little at home so he put other people down.

They eventually reached the police station.

He smiled. “You ready?”

Daniel shrugged, and they went in.

* * *

It was four in the morning when Ludwig left the station. They’d given statements, and Ludwig had started to feel exhausted, and Daniel looked like he was going to drop dead as well, but eventually a foster home was processed so Daniel could sleep somewhere tonight.

Ludwig scribbled down his contact details, and handed them to Daniel. “I've got my own issues, mentally I mean, so I don't know if I'll be much help, but don't hesitate to ring me if you need to.”

“Okay. Thanks Ludwig. I do appreciate it.” Daniel said. “Not sure why you've gone to so much trouble.”

Ludwig smiled. “Don't mention it. Maybe we’re more alike than I first thought.”

Carrying Aster home; (he regretted bringing her along; a twenty minute small walk turned into an hour long diversion) he heard his phone ring.He fumbled for the phone.

“LUDWIG!! Where are you!?” Feliciano’s panicked voice on the other line indicated that he probably should've texted his situation just in case Feliciano woke up.

“Sorry, I got diverted. Helped a co-worker.”

Feliciano visibly sighed on the other line. “Oh, okay. I woke up for the toilet and you weren't here so I panicked. I thought that maybe…” a lengthy paused followed. “Never mind. Coming home?”

“Of course.” Ludwig said. He felt guilty. He knew what Feliciano was implying; he thought that perhaps Ludwig had gone to kill himself. Ludwig briefly wondered, it maybe he should have, but quickly tried to dispel the thoughts.

* * *

Feliciano gave him a kiss as he walked back in the door, but they both collapsed into bed. He briefly explained what happened to Feliciano.

“Lud, you're a good person.” Feliciano said before dozing off.

At least they didn't have early mornings the next day, and Ludwig was just going to do some paperwork at home.

As the day progressed, Ludwig found himself finished, and begun cleaning the house. He enjoyed, but was annoyed when he hoovered around Feliciano’s side of the bed and heard bread crumbs.

“Feli…” He cursed aloud, realising Feliciano must've eaten by the bed again. He hoovered around and under the bed, before bumping into a stack of books Feliciano kept under his bed because Feliciano had too many recipe books to keep on shelves. Bending down to pick them up, he noticed that a few were not recipe books, and noticed a number of books: Living with depression: One man's journey; Facing depression together: when your significant other is haunted by the black dog; or Don't be a dick: how to be a good friend to a depressed person. That wasn't even half the amount of books Feliciano appeared to have. They all seemed well-read, and flicking through, Ludwig could see highlighted passages and leafed pages.

He was surprised. He hadn't known that Feliciano had spent so much time reading up. Was it because he… Couldn't cope? Did he have to try and find support in the readings because he was struggling to deal with Ludwig? Feliciano was too nice to say to him that he had problems. But it only confirmed Ludwig’s woes.

Ludwig tried to dissuade those thoughts and continue cleaning, but the thoughts haunted him continuously as he scrubbed the house into pristine condition.

When the house was clean, he flopped onto the couch, and flicked through the television, mind not focused on whatever was on screen. He debated going to eat something, but he wasn’t in the mood.

He heard Feliciano enter through the door. “Hey, Lud!” he heard a cheery voice call, and Feliciano came into the living room to give him a kiss on the forehead and then move to hang up his coat and bags. “How’re you?”

“I’m…” he trailed off.

“Bad day?” Feliciano asked, and came over to stroke his hair.

“Feliciano, I’m sorry.” he said.

Feliciano plopped onto him. “Whatever for? You’ve done nothing.”

Ludwig didn’t reply. “I cleaned under the bed. I saw you had books on depression.”

Feliciano’s lips pursed and he looked upset. “Ludwig, I’m sorry if I offended-” his voice quivered.

“If you can’t cope, you can leave. It’s fine. Don’t waste your time on me-”

Feliciano looked at him as if he was stunned at his words, and trying to comprehend them. “Cope! Is that what you think, that I _can’t cope!?_ ” Feliciano exclaimed, and looked annoyed. His eyes softened after Ludwig didn’t reply. “Ludwig, I didn’t buy those books for coping mechanisms. I bought them when you first told me you were depressed when we first talked about this sort of thing. I wanted to understand more, I wanted to be a good, supportive friend who doesn’t say anything stupid.” he said. “I should’ve mentioned that I’ve done some research earlier, I really should've but the topic never really came up and I sort of for. If you want to know, I ‘cope’ fine. Ludwig, there's not a lot to cope with.”

Ludwig felt his heart clench. Perhaps Feliciano was being too kind. “Feliciano, you deserve better. Emotionally, I’m just not there for you.”

“I don’t deserve anything!” Feliciano stated loudly, his voice getting upset. “Love isn’t something people deserve, it just happens. You are there for me.. We both go to work, we both come home, and we both discuss our days, you listen to my rants when a customer nitpicks the food, you hold me when I’m upset. We go out together on dates, and we help each-other with cooking. Hell, we have great sex, really good, better than any previous partners. Not that sex really matters" Feliciano added, after Ludwig shot him a look. "We function far better as a couple than you let yourself believe.”

Feliciano’s eyes were glistening. “I’ve never felt this way about a person before. I’ve had long-term relationships, but this feels different. I love you. And I don’t care that you’re depressed and you’re a bit different and sometimes you’re not happy and a hug can’t automatically make you feel better and you just don’t have the energy to do something somedays. I want to help, and I want to see you happy, but I get it. You have to give me a bit more credit; I wouldn’t agree to be your partner if I thought I wouldn’t be able to cope.” Feliciano’s voice cracked at the end, and he held Ludwig’s shirt, and he cried into it, into his chest.

Ludwig pushed himself up into a seated position. “I’m sorry.” he said, and moved Feliciano into a proper hug. He’d been worrying over nothing, and doubting Feliciano too much. Of course Feliciano loved him, and he loved Feliciano. “I love you Feliciano. I think… I think I’ve been in a bad place the past week. Set off by meeting the parents. I’ve just come to doubt everything.”

Feliciano wiped his eyes. “Okay, Ludwig, that’s okay.” he said, and gently kissed him again on the forehead. “So, what can we do about it?”

Ludwig looked at the floor, but Feliciano just hugged him. He didn’t reply at first, and they just held each-other. He knew this wasn’t the worst he’d ever been. So he could definitely bounce back from it, it was just a blip… wasn’t it. It wasn’t like before where he got worse and worse, because he had Feliciano now, and a better job, and a dog, better medication, and that made a difference, right? But if it didn’t make a difference, what was this all for…

What was the point of trying when he still felt terrible. Progress, ultimately, was futile.

Ludwig admitted to himself but he could see himself getting worse. Those back thoughts that had been creeping in the past week could grow. And Ludwig knew he could never pluck them from his mind, but he could shorten it. Ludwig had conflicting thoughts, but he didn't want to die, and he didn't want to reach a point where he would want to die.

An hour passed, held gently in Feliciano’s arms. He looked at Feliciano thoughtfully, and shifted to face him. “I think… I need to get help.”

* * *

A stay on the psych ward was considered the best bet.

It was to be only for two weeks, approximately. He should be able to get himself back on track, at least, his doctor agreed.

It went surprisingly well.

His psychiatrist transferred himself to his ward. “Noticing the signs is good, Ludwig. You’re getting yourself extra support when you need it.”

He smiled to himself a bit at that.

It was nice to disassociate himself from the world for a bit. Focus on himself, and how he was feeling, and not worry about work. Admittedly, Ludwig hated the sterility of the place; white walls and white furniture and white uniforms. This was no home. But, it was a place detached enough from the real world to focus on himself.

Gilbert and Feliciano came to visit a few times.

“It’s not as serious as last time. I’m just trying to stop myself spiraling.” he tried to assure his brother.

Gilbert seemed a bit more relieved at that. “Well okay then. Hey look, if you need to, you can always move back in… if Feliciano just isn’t working right.”

“No, I think I'll be okay.” He'd told Gilbert. “I think it can work right, I just need a bit of time.”

He did. Allowing himself to be away from home allowed him to talk about his parents. “You say after you told your parents that you don't need their approval, you felt something akin to triumph, but now you feel differently. Reflection on an important life event is good, but the way you reflect means that an event, or a person or a feeling becomes warped into something it wasn't. It wasn't you turning your back on people who raised you and who had some good points. You said it yourself, it was cutting out some emotionally abusive people from your life after you'd let them hang over you for so long. Now Ludwig, I want you to think the same again.”

It was something he perhaps already knew, but the stay in the ward allowed him to really, concentrate on it.

He was released after ten days.

Feliciano, Gilbert and Elizabeta and Louise came to pick him up, and he was a bit embarrassed by the reception. They insisted in taking him out to dinner, but Ludwig had forced them to go to a simpler restaurant, so in the end Feliciano took them to the Italian restaurant he worked because he got a discount.

It was simple how easy he fell back into the rhythm of life. Work, eat, sleep. He visited the Gay Christian Network and they seemed happy that he turned up after missing a week and Ludwig was genuinely grateful that he’d made friends with this group of people.

He felt comparatively lighter, at least to when he went in.

Checking a bunch of emails from work (stuff that mostly delegated to other people whilst in hospital but he felt the need to check that it was done correctly), he was confused by an unknown address, but realised it was from Daniel.

‘Hey Ludwig,

Thanks for helping me that day. Not sure why you made an effort to help me but you were right and now I saved legal hassle for my uncle. My uncle is pretty cool and I’ve managed to transfer schools which is good.

Turns out my uncle is gay which makes me even guiltier as he made me have a chat with him about it and I get that I was even more wrong than before so I want to say I’m sorry like for saying you like dogs and stuff. I think I was super insecure.

I doubt we’d ever see each-other again as I live on the other side of the country now but if we do I will say hi.

Thanks,

Daniel.’

Ludwig was happy to find out he was doing well, and he replied that he was happy to hear that he was doing well, and that he forgave him, because Ludwig wasn’t foolish enough to keep grudges against teenagers of all things, and of to of course say hi if he was ever in the area again. Ludwig hoped he did well in the future.

Things moved on. Progress seemed like a tangible concept once again; whatever it that even meant. Ludwig had given up on trying to find out, but he knew he could progress. Progress to further stages of life, with Gilbert and Feliciano at his side.

Feliciano had proposed a new idea. “Maybe we could go to Italy, sometime for christmas- and maybe we could spend New Year's with Gilbert. Or, it could be the other way around. I just know my family would love to meet you. Lovino’s already sort of met you, I suppose, but we talk over the phone and he’ll be nicer this time, I swear. I think he’s actually happy for me, but he probably won’t show it.”

Ludwig had agreed, and he was apprehensive but excited about the prospect. He’d never really traveled much, apart from those road trips to Netherlands and Denmark with his parents when he was a kid.

And a month after leaving the hospital, Feliciano threw a packet of cigarettes at him, which he just managed to catch, and he looked at Feliciano bewildered. “Well Ludwig, I’ve managed to cut down to one cigarette per day! Result! I’m sure soon I’ll be able to quit and be smoke-free” he said happily, and Ludwig kissed him.

Progress came in different forms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always appreciate feedback!


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